Thursday, 15 October 2015

/ / 1 8 : 3 6 / /

I really don't know what I think I'm doing with this blog. Half the time I don't even remember I still have this, which is good I guess, since taking too much pressure was why I stopped writing this last year. I'm just kind of lost and it's also hard to write anything nowadays because I don't have an O on my keyboard. (My brother broke it by throwing a chocolate bar at me. He missed. The rest is history.) 

Anyways, I think I want to start writing about less serious things again. I'm not gonna start posting random pictures of what I eat and wear again (we have Instagram for that, don't we?) but I like writing and I want to write about things that make me happy or confused or angry or amused. Right now I'm happy that I'm going shopping for the first time in ages on Saturday (with a few amazing girls). I'm confused by all of my coursework and deadlines and books to read. I'm angry that it's so cold outside because I love summer and I'm still hoping that maybe winter stops existing this year. I'm amused in advance by the fact that Mom and I will try to carve a pumpkin lantern tonight.

But right now I also wanna tell you about my first tattoo. There's a story behind it and it's long as fuck and most of you have probably already read it on Instagram a few weeks ago but I wanna share it again, because I love my tattoo and it honestly means the world to me. I want everyone to see it because it's awesome. Here we go.

(It's a bad, unedited pic but that's my tattoo. In case you didn't figure that out yet.) Every time I see the ink on my skin, I smile. No kidding. And the story? Let's skip to the very beginning.

25th of April, 2013 was the worst day of my life (at least thus far). That's when I heard that one of my best friends had committed suicide. It was like my whole world was shattering to pieces, leaving me in the middle of it all, wondering what the fuck is happening. 

After that I was in a very dark place for months. I seemed happy all summer, and for tiny moments I actually was, but I paid for all the smiles at night, when my own thoughts came back to haunt me, to continue from where they had left the previous night. Amongst all that deep grief, I felt anger and most of all guilt; she had been unhappy enough to take her own life, she had been depressed right before my eyes and I hadn'
t noticed, or had made myself believe I didn't. During those dark months I decided I would someday take a tattoo for her, so that I could always have her memory with me. 

So I struggled with myself, but somehow managed to stay in my senses. And then it all turned around, not suddenly, but kind of without me even noticing. I had been drowning but now it felt like I was floating. And it was all thanks to something I did just as a joke.

In August 2013 I went to see One Direction's document This Is Us. I had always more or less liked their music but that's when I realized that they care. They care so much and are such sweet, down-to-earth guys that I couldn'
t help but join the fandom and become one of those embarrassing teenage girls who like that stupid boyband. And I haven't regretted it for a second. 

I constantly joked about being so obsessed with them but I don't think I let anyone know how much they really meant to me, how much they helped me. And, even though I cant say they literally saved my life, I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for them. Not this happy, that's for sure. Because of this band I got to know two of my best friends. Without them I would have missed out on so many laughs and deep conversations during these two years and I'm so lucky to have them. They make me glad to be alive. 

So a few months went by, and it was all about the boys making me smile when I didn't really feel like it and accidentally learning all the lyrics by heart. Then, November 25th, their third album came out. I obviously loved it, but there was one song I didn't just love, I adored it and listened to it on repeat and just felt like I could never let go of it. It touched the darkest and saddest corners of me. It made me cry and realize that I could get through anything, even her death, if I just had my loved ones around me. It made me think of her and hope she could've heard a song like that. 

A year passed, nothing special happening. In October 2014 it was announced that Helsinki, Finland, would be one of the stops on One Direction's On the Road Again Tour. I can't remember crying that much from happiness ever before. We got tickets and it hit me that I would see my biggest idols, actually see them right in front of me. 

Another five months passed. This year, on 25th of March, Zayn left the band. Right from the start he had been my favorite, even before I was a fan there was something interesting and special about him. He has made me smile more than anyone else and his voice always sends chills down my spine. Anyway, it happened almost precisely three months before their show in Finland and I was devastated that I wouldn't see my sunshine after all, but that's a different story. You don't want to read about me crying for days and almost failing a few exams because of it.

Soon it occurred to me that this wasn't the end of anything, that the other four would continue making music and Z just did what felt right for him, got out of something that made him unhappy. To me, he symbolizes courage. He left the group knowing a lot of fans would send him hate and the media would be all over him but he did it anyway. He has taught me to always listen to my heart, stay true to myself and never sacrifice who I am for anyone. I should do my own thing, follow my dreams and not give a damn what anyone else thinks. He has been such a huge inspiration to me. Around that time the final look of this tattoo started to form in my mind. 

This summer things got worse again, and along with all of my old feelings, which for some reason came back to the surface, I felt really anxious and sad most of the time. That One Direction concert was one of the few happy moments of my summer and I was desperately waiting for school to start so I would have some content in my life, something to distract me from my thoughts. At the end of summer I finally settled on my idea and decided that it's time to get a tattoo appointment. 

So here I am, with a One Direction song title in Zayn's handwriting on my right ankle and I couldn't be happier, as foolish as that may seem. Even if some day I don't really care about the boys' music anymore, this tattoo will always remind me of the best times during my teenage years and how I got through the worst. This kind of also shows that I will still equally support all five of the boys, no matter where their paths might take them. So this is for them, and for her, but first of all, for me. During the years I have struggled not only with losing a friend but also with insecurity, big disagreements with my family and just felt inexplicably anxious and trapped. Now I feel free and have a constant reminder that I will find a way through the dark. 

So, I think I want to start writing about less serious things again.


  1. Ariana Grandeko ihana? hyi vittu. Videolla nuolee myytäviä donitseja jättäen niihin myytäviin donuihin kunnon bakteerit, hyi saatana mikä "ihminen". Ja julistaa kuinka inhoaa kotimaataan. Ja Megan T on kamala koska skinny-shaming? Vitun pelle sinä. (Liittyy twiittiisi)

    1. oon kyllä tietoinen kyseisestä tapauksesta ja arianahan pyysi nöyrästi anteeksi ja myönsi itekkin ettei ollu maailman järkevin teko. en sano että ariana ois mikään puhdas pulmunen, mutta mun mielestä se on hyvä tyyppi jolla on pääosin tosi fiksuja ajatuksia.

      mitä meghaniin tulee, niin mua tosi paljon häiritsee all about that bass -kappaleessa se kohta "boys like a little more booty to hold at night" koska se antaa ymmärtää että a) olis jotenkin huono asia olla hoikka ja b) että naisen kuuluu olla sellanen kun mies haluaa. meghan on myös sanonut että "yritti olla anorektikko"... eli en kyseisestä tyypistä tykkää kyllä yhtään, mutta en kiellä etteikö hänessäkin hyviä puolia olisi :)

      jännä että sun tarvii tälläsestä asiasta tulla sanoon blogin puolella anonyyminä, kun olisit varmaan ihan hyvin voinut twitterissäkin omalla naamalla sanoo mielipitees :D asiassahan sinänsä ei ollu mitään henkilökohtasta, mutta ehkä sitten sun pakottava tarve haukkua mua "vitun pelleks" mun eriävän mielipiteen takia teki anonyymiydestä ainoon vaihtoehdon. take care.


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